


Jamais Vu

by Nimij



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Attempted, Fluff, Good siblings, Healing, Hurt :(, Love, Mental Health Issues, No Apocalypse (Umbrella Academy), No Incest, Pain, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting, Sad, Self-Harm, Sibling Bonding, Suicide, Suicide is never ever ever the anwser, There will be fluff too, and fluff, ben might survive, fight me, grace is more than a robot, healing is a large topic, hopefully happy in the end, if possible, itll get better i promise, posts weekly, protective grace, self hate, there is a light at the end of the darkness, vulnerable, warning:romantization of suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:48:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25985419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nimij/pseuds/Nimij
Summary: Ben struggles to cope with the monster inside of him.He makes a very bad choice, and his family, instead of abandoning him, take care of him.Its a long road to healing.
Comments: 27
Kudos: 64





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For those who dont know, Jamais Vu is a BTS song that I thought kind of fit this fic. Jamais Vu is a french term that means something along the lines of "never seen", is the phenomenon of experiencing a situation that one recognizes in some fashion, but that nonetheless seems novel and unfamiliar.
> 
> For anyone out there struggling with suicide please please please know you are not alone. This fiction will be very triggering and I urge you to text or call the below number. As someone who has struggled through things like this please know that things will get better. I cannot promise when but they will.
> 
> Hotline for those with suicidal thoughts:1-800-273-8255  
> 

Chapter One-Jamais Vu  
*

_If this was truly a game,  
I could probably just load up again_

*  
Ben sat in the shower, watching water drip off of his bent head, the droplets disappearing into the steam from the scalding water.  
He scrubbed his body over and over again, trying to destroy the feeling of disgust inside him. It crept under his skin and slithered around and he _hated it. Hated it, hated it, hated… himself._

Images of his training flashed in his head.

 _The goat dead eyes,vacant, lifeless. His fault._

_Warm, slick blood on the creature inside him. His fault._

_Dads satisfied smile as he looked at the bleeding carcass. His Fault._

The rough loofa scrubbed his skin raw and it started bleeding. He felt hot relief for a sweet, second, but the guilt sprung back, festering and burning a hole inside of him.

Someone knocked, and he heard Diego yell, “ _Ben!_ I’ve been waiting _forever_ for the shower.” Feeling frustrated, he turned off the shower, wrapping himself in a towel and unlocking the door so that Diego come in.

Diego rushed in, bumping into Bens shoulder, promptly starting to take off his clothes even before Ben had completely closed the door behind him.

Ben didn’t blame him. All of them were eager to wash off as much as they could of their training and go to recreational time. Vanya told him that normal kids called it “recess”. He didn’t care what it was called, he was just glad that they had some.

*  
_I guess I gotta  
Deal with this, deal with this  
Real world_  
After putting on his dinner clothes, Ben collapsed on his bed. He tried to close his eyes, but anytime he did, horrible images of what he had _done_ assaulted him and he had to reopen his eyes just to keep himself from feeling so monstrous.

*  
In a last ditch effort to clear his mind, he put on his slippers and started wandering the halls looking for something or someone to distract him. Anything worked, really. _Nothing can change the fact that no one really could love something as disgusting as you._

Passing by Klaus’s room, he paused, about to knock and bother his brother when he heard some sniffing. Was Klaus... _crying?_

_Don’t go in. He obviously hates you and you should go away because you would just make the situation worse._

He knocked gently. “Klaus?” he whispered softly.

He heard Klaus take a deep, wobbly breath. “Yeah, Ben?” he replied, his voice watery and weak.

“I’m coming in, okay?” Klaus didn’t say anything, so Ben opened the door slowly, glancing towards Klaus’s bed. He wasn’t there.

There was a small sniffle, and Ben turned to see Klaus hiding in one of the corners of the room, dark raindrops of tears encircling, crouched into himself. The room was dark, and Klaus, who normally had the most bravado of them all, looked so tiny and scared. 

Ben supported him up to his bed, a difficult feat, where he just sat, staring straight ahead, looking empty. Ben got up to tell Mom about Klaus, and Klaus's bony hand shot out to grab Bens.

“Please!” Klaus begged, his voice scratchy. “Don't leave me here with _them_.” Klaus’s eyes pleaded with Ben, and Ben, seeing Vanya walk by, asked her to stay with Klaus.

Vanya, her eyes going wide with worry and concern as she looked at Klaus, nodded and quickly sat right down next to Klaus, holding his hand and letting him lean on her shoulder. A look of calm washed over his face. 

_Why can’t someone comfort me like that?_ A tiny, soft voice whispered in his head. 

_Because you don’t deserve it._ A wicked voice whispered back.

As Klaus leaned his shoulder on Vanya, a look of safe contentment washed over his face.  
_See?_ The voice in his head whispered, filled with hate and venom. _Even Klaus doesn’t need you. He likes Vanya better. You don’t deserve love._

*  
_I blame myself who couldn't be perfect  
Brake in my head,  
Brake in my step, always  
I wanted to do well  
I wanted to make you smile..damn_

*

“Hey mom, could you make Klaus’s favorite for dinner please?”

“Why of course!” Mom smiles gracefully down at Ben, holding out a plate of cookies. “And, since your father, Mr Hargreeves, just went out of town, we can have a movie night and make it extra special.”

Diego, Luther, and Allison let out cheers. _They were playing without you, Ben, cause you don't mean anything to them._ His heart stung a little but he ignored it.

“Why do we have to eat _Klaus’s_ favorite though?” Luther whined.

Ben clears his throat awkwardly. “Training was particularly hard on him today.” Something flashes through his siblings eyes. They’ve all been there. No one complains anymore.

Allison pulls out the board game that their mother hid for them under the sink. “Lets go cheer him up, then.”

Mom smiles at her. “Why Allison dear, thats such a sweet idea! I’ll bring the movie projector and dinner to Klaus’s room later, okay?” She hands Ben a plate of cookies, the smile never leaving her face. Ben smiles back at his mother, a warm,comforting scent emanating both from her and the cookies.  
Diego and Luther immediately race to Klaus's room, leaving Allison and Ben trailing behind.

“Ben” Allison says, “Is your arm okay?”

Ben glances down, looking at the red, angry mark his scrubbing left behind in the shower. He had been so busy with Klaus he hadn’t even realized that he had forgotten to cover it up. 

Ben flashed her a perfunctory smile, “Yeah,” He said, tugging down his shirt sleeve. “Totally fine.”

“You know you can tell me anything, right?” Allison said, looking him in the eye.

“Yeah, of course!” He replied, wincing at how fake he sounded even to himself.

Allison looked suspicious and she opened her mouth to speak, but just then Five rounded the corner, holding a large book. He looked uninterested until he saw the cookies in Bens hand.

“What are you guys doing?”

“Going to play board games and eat cookies and try to cheer up Klaus.” Allison replied. 

Usually, Five scoffed at them, but this time, he simply said “Oh.”

There was an awkward pause. “Do you...want to join?” Ben asked. Five hesitated for a second, but Ben didn’t miss the small spark of happiness that went through Fives eyes at being invited.

“You can have a cookie...” Allison offered, waggling her eyebrows at him. All of them ignored the fact that Five could simply go and ask mom to make some.

“I’d be glad to join, then.” He said, a tiny twinkle in his eye. “For the cookie, of course.”

For a tiny second, some of the darkness inside Ben eased a little, and he smiled back.

*

A few hours later, they were all piled in Klaus’s bedroom on a bunch of blankets and comforters that mom had brought in, choosing a movie to watch. Ben had taken _Coco_ and _The Book of Life_ out already because he knew Klaus would be scared to see them.

Klaus, after flipping through the movies, decided on _Finding Dory._

Mom smiled and put it in the projector. Then she picked up the remaining discs to go put them in a hiding space from dad. Dad would never let anything with the logo _Disney_ into the house, for the fear that it would _pollute their minds with useless trivia and leave mindless children behind._

“Wait, mom!” Diego called. Mom turned around, smiling as usual. “Yes, Diego dear?”

“D-do you want to watch w-with us?” Diego alway got nervous when being vulnerable. Ben saw Five give Diego’s hand a small squeeze. Diego's face relaxed slightly.

Mom looked confused. She blinked for a second. “You guys want me to join in ? Why? Is there something wrong?”  
“No, mom!” Allison piped up, “We just like your company!” The air was soon filled with compliments for mom. Their mom smiled, the first one perfunctory, a mere reflex that she was programmed to preform, but there was something different about her second smile. It seemed to illuminate her face, barley noticeable, like the shifting of the shade slightly to let the sun in. 

“Well then, I will be back in five minutes with popcorn and dessert to join you.” She ruffled Ben’s hair before leaving with a final, soft glance back. 

*

_Please save me, give me another chance  
Please give me a…_

*  
Klaus fell asleep holding Bens hand. “Don’t worry,” Ben whispered to his brother as he drifted off, brushing the fringe away from Klaus’s face gently. “I won’t leave you when you sleep.” 

_How can you protect Klaus with the monster inside you?_

The rest of his siblings were asleep on the floor. Mom was sitting on a chair, watching all of them, and occasionally adjusting the way his brothers and sisters were positioned.

Ben held Klaus’s hand and watched Hank, the octopus in _Finding Dory_ , as he helped Dory find her parents.

_You could never do that. You aren’t a hero._

Glancing towards his sleeping siblings, Allison's words flashed through his mind. ( _You know you can tell me anything right?”_ )

But he couldn’t. He had a monster inside of him. The others, their powers, they could be used for good,and though their powers were innate too, they were not innately bad like his.

He hated using his monster. It made him feel horrible.

He was all alone. Better off dead.

Klaus shifted and turned, his hand pulling out of Ben’s grasp.

 _Goodbye_ , Klaus’s hand said.


	2. Exhaustion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hotline for those with suicidal thoughts:1-800-273-8255
> 
> Alright this is not gonna be a fun chapter, but a nessecary one. Im sorry :((( TRIGGER WARNING FOR suicide attempt. Do not read if that is triggering. For a brief of the chapter, I will leave that at the start of chapter three.
> 
> I HAVE A FEW SONG RECCOMENDATIONS FOR THIS CHAPTER TOO
> 
> Jamais Vu by BTS  
> Oblivion by Lily Potter
> 
> Hello my lovely humans! Thank you for reading and letting me know your thoughts! I am putting a MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, if suicide or cutting is at all triggering, please please please do not read this chapter. Suicide is not romantic, regardless of the characters thoughts on this. You are worth so much. 
> 
> If you still want to read this but do not want to read this part of the story, please wait till I have put up a later chapter.
> 
> To the person who left a comment, you literally made my day. 
> 
> Suicide is never the awnser. I know its hard, but it WILL get better and im so so so sorry I cant promise you when but it will. 
> 
> Hotline for those with suicidal thoughts:1-800-273-8255

Chapter Two- Exhaustion  
*

_I'm okay but I'm not okay  
I told myself I'm used to it  
But I'm in pain like it's the first time_

*  
Mission 74.

His siblings finally saw the _monster_ he was. 

Luther kept saying, his leader voice tinged with anxiety, “Ben _come on_ , just do your thing, _just do it!_ Theres no time for you to do this with us looking away!”

And he did. And as sickening as that made him feel, its was nowhere near as gut-wrenching as the looks in his siblings eyes.

He saw their pale faces, the way Allison's lip trembled just slightly, the way that Klaus stumbled back a little bit when Ben moved towards him, the little flinch when he bumped into Luther.

The car ride back to their house was silent. Their father, satisfied with another successful mission, let them have recreational time for the rest of the weekend, not noticing the somber mood that had fallen over the siblings.

*

_If I stop at this point_  
_If I just turn it off, everything will be more comfortable_  
*

He ran into the house as soon as they got there, ignoring his fathers protests. _They hate you, they hate you, they hate you._

His mind began to scream at him, horrible, cruel things, things he only allowed himself to believe in the darkest, most hidden parts of his soul, and he was crying by the time he got to the shower. He didn't even bother taking his clothes off, scalding himself in the water that couldn’t wash any of the pain away.

And, suddenly, like the calm after a hurricane, it hit him.

I’m done.

He was so tired. So tired of being so strong for so long with nothing to support him up.

From Luther's drawer in the bathroom, his trembling, shaking hands, pulled out a shiny, blue razor. And then, he hesitated.

His head felt light and dizzy, his legs wobbly and his heart tight, constricting itself over and over, as if it thought that that would ease his pain.

_Am I really doing this?_

There wasn’t any way that they could heal from what happened. Now they hated him as much as he hated himself.

Slowly, excruciatingly slowly, he brought the shiny side of the razor down to his wrists, which was wet from the shower, little teardrops of water that the blade slid right through.

He barley felt the sharp pain from the fatal cuts he was making. His breath caught as he dug the shiny blade in all the way to his bone. The next side was harder. 

Blood flowed from the wounds, strong and gushing. Yet, all he could taste was his own bitter tears, which got louder and louder. The lonely emptiness bled out of him in wrenching sobs, and he inhaled raggedy gasps of salty water. 

The water around him ran pink and and he dropped down to the floor,attempting to turn off the water rather painfully, clattering the shampoo and soap bottles down to the ground, watching the incriminating crimson water flow to the drain. The razor in his hand clattered softly to a stop next to him.

It doesn't even matter now who hears now, Ben thought, laughing a little sadly in his head. Its almost over.

His heart, pumping slower and slower as he reached an end he had yearned for. It wasn't like he expected. Ben was _scared_. A broken toy.

As death crept closer, his lungs burned faster, as if trying to stop him from reaching an inevitable end. 

A breathless sob caught in his throat and lost its strength, and his breath staggered its way up and down, an antique music box chiming its final few notes.

His head was slowly fading, things disappearing from view, barely even registering someone pounding on the door.

Darkness now ringed his vision and he blinked once, slowly, his memories hugging him with the comfort he always wanted.

His siblings flashed before his eyes, sweet memories that tinged his darkness with honey.

Vanya's breathless little laugh, rarely heard yet so lovely,

Fives cheeky smirk but warm eyes when he said something offensive yet often true, 

Allison's hand squeezing his when he used to be scared of the dark, 

Klaus’s barely hidden giggles when he stole his siblings clothes to mix and match horribly,

Luther and Diego racing with him down the hallways, all three of them cheating. 

He fell back into a black abyss, a sigh of melancholy escaping his tired, beaten down body, and slowly, he left the body that failed to protect him.

Ben smiled.

*

_A remedy, a melody_

_A memory that will be left behind just for me_

_Please give me a..._

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. To the person who left a comment, you literally made my day. You are sunshine and amazing and sweet and ilysmmmmmmm. Please take care of yourself you lovely human being. As usual leave a kudos or a comment if you would like, they make my heart sing! Love yourself, -Nimij
> 
> If you need help with anything, please call these numbers, its not shameful. Getting the help you need is so beautiful and if you are able to do that for yourself today I am so incredibly proud of you for taking a step, even if it is just to save one of these numbers. 
> 
> Hotline for those with suicidal thoughts:1-800-273-8255  
> Free counseling for those struggling with a crisis: Text 741741  
> To talk with a teen/young adult: Text 839863 Call 1-877-968-8491  
> Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline:1-800-422-4453  
> SAMHSA National Helpline (For substance/drug abuse) – 1-800-662-4357  
> LGBT National Hotline -- 1-888-843-4564  
> LGBT National Youth Talkline -- 1-800-246-7743  
> LGBT Senior Hotline -- 1-888-234-7243  
> Trans Lifeline -- 1-877-565-8860  
> The Trevor Project -- 1-866-488-7386 or text START to 678678  
> RAINN -- 1-800-656-4673  
> National Deaf Domestic Violence Hotline -- 1-855-812-1001  
> National Domestic Violence Hotline -- 1-800-799-7233


	3. If you love me, Dont let go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter, is like the others, but with a slightly milder trigger warning. Suicide is never the anwser.
> 
> SONGS  
> -Start a Riot by Banners  
> -Unsteady  
> -Ashes by Claire Guresso

All of them have been waiting for the bathroom for over thirty minutes. When at first they weren’t worried or anxious, now they crowd around the door.  
“Ben, _come on!_ ” Luther yells.

“Open the door,” Klaus screams,”We’re not scared of you!”

“Please, Ben” Vanya pleads, tears streaming down her face. Five kicked the door in a mix of frustration and anger.

“Oh, for gods sak-” Five disappears in a blue flash. Everyone falls quiet.

They hear some thuds, and a few clatters of bottles. 

“Oh, _Ben._ ” Five whispers, his voice taking on a soft, pained tone.

Then an eerie silence.

“Get back, everyone,” Luther instructs with his leader voice. Luther backs up, but before he can crash it down, the door creaks open, and a woosh of warm steam greets them, a humid, creeping fog.

It clears slowly, and they all rush in, not quite sure what they are about to find.

“Ben.” Vanya says quietly.

Ben looks so small in death. So familiar to them all, yet strange this lifeless.

His skin is bone-white, a sickly alabaster, his uniform stained crimson pain. And yet...his eyes are closed so gently, his lips curved into such a sweet smile, one could almost mistake him for simply sleeping.

The metallic scent of blood fills their lungs, and the initial silent shock is broken.

Allisons lets out a scream like glass shattering, crumpling into herself. Vanya breaks down, her cries and pleas tugging something terrible at Luther's heartstrings as she begs him to wake up, wake up, just wake up please.

His brother. Ben, the one who had never judged any of his siblings, never treated them with anything but kindness, the one who never would have flinched back or shunned them, the one who made mom cook them their favorite meals when they were sad, was gone. 

The one who stayed up every night making sure everyone else was asleep and felt safe before going to bed himself.

Had any of them ever asked themselves whether Ben needed help?

Diego kneeled by their brothers body, gently brushing the damp hair out of his eyes. “I’m so s-sorry, Ben.”

For once, Luther is at a loss for words. He stumbles lightly, not quite processing. 

Five is standing by Bens side, his face screwed up against a sob.

“No,” He shakes his head, trying to erase the image that would be ingrained in his head forever, his words becoming frantic and his voice breaking “No, no, no! Goddammit, I cant lose you.” He disappears in a flash of blue. In a second, he returns with Mom.

This is the first time any of them have seen Mom without a smile. Her face took on a sadness Luther didn’t even now that it had.

“Luther,” She says quietly. “ Please carry Bens body to the infirmary. Five, please let Mr. Hargreaves know about Ben.”

Five disappeared in a flash.

Luther lifts Bens body out of the bathtub as gently as he can. Bens body bounces a little, so light. Too light. 

He’s still warm though. A small flame of hope lights inside him, forbidden and unwelcome.

Hes about to leave the bathroom when Allison tugs on his on his sleeve. “Give me a second, would you?” She whispers.

Allison plants a gentle kiss on Bens forehead. “I-I heard a rumor” Allison lets out a sob, takes a wobbly breath that catches in her throat, “tha- that you-” She lets out a tiny sob, full of agony “-that you lived, Ben.”

She breaks down sobbing on the floor again and Diego wraps his arms around her.

“I-its g-g-gonna be-ok, Allison”, Diego comforts, but hes crying just as hard as her. Luther walks on.

Luther only realizes that hes crying when he sees the tears slip off of Bens face and mix with the water and blood still dripping from Bens body. They start to blur his vision, and mom has to guide him the rest of the way to the infirmary. He drops off Ben on the surgical table before sitting aside.

The rest of his siblings and their father rush in. A suffocating silence fills the air as mom and father work on Ben, the silence punctuated only by the occasional sniffing of himself or one of his siblings. 

“He got through the worst of it.” Their mother says, and a collective sigh of relief goes around the room. “Your brother Ben is in a medically induced coma right now.”

“But-”, Luther asks, feeling timid. “He’ll wake up right?”

Their mother gives him a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes.

“Well,” Mom says, pausing a little. “What we can do to help is, we can talk to him and hopefully he will wake up.” A spark flies from the corner of her eye, and then another, and a few more.

“Grace.” Their father says sternly. “No crying in front of the children.”

“Yes, sir.” She leaves the room quietly, tiny sparks still coming from her eyes, fireworks of sadness, a dark light.

All of them sleep together that night, holding on to each other. 

*

_If you love me, don't let go._


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and a few following ones are gonna be based on this song spring day. Im gonna make it into a one shot too, when that parts complete!!!! Anyways hope you like it and listen to SPRING DAY by BTS dude its amazing.

Chapter 4 ( Spring day)

_Miss you._

_Even though I'm looking at your photo_

Luther (5:00 o’clock am)

Luther sat by the edge of Bens hospital bed. He glanced around furtively to make sure no one else was watching. The door to the infirmary stayed closed and he relaxed.

“Hey Ben.” He said, his voice gruff. Luther pulls out a bag he had stuffed under his shirt.

“I brought you a few things.” He takes out a pink dog, a green dinosaur and a squishy marshmallow stuffed animal. He places them gently on the bed. “Your favorite stuffed animals!” 

Ben is quiet, and though Luther knows to expect it, his heart still drops a little.

“I just-” Luther sits down in small chair next to the bed, which squeaks rustily. “I wanted to-”

Luther takes a deep breath. “-I don’t know if you’re listening or not, Ben, but its been twenty four hours and I already miss you so much. And I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for not noticing what was going on with you.”

“I am “number one” ,” Luther says, a hint of a sadness tinging the bravado in his voice. “But- that means _nothing_ if I don’t have you guys to back me up.”

“You know, when I was younger, I thought my strength was what made me strong. But then, then I realized that it was us. _You guys_ are what make me strong.”

Luther looks up at the ceiling, trying to blink his tears away.

“And then, seeing your body- seeing you like that, no amount of strength could take away the pain I felt then.”

“You aren’t a monster, Ben.” Luther whispers, because his throat is sharp with tears unshed.  
“You’re my brother, and I love all of you, no questions asked.”

Bens face remains the same, his eyes closed, face calm.

He bends down and brushes away Bens fringe from his eyes. 

Luther pulls one final stuffy from his bag. 

“I went out and bought this one myself!” Luther says, as brightly as he can manage.

Its a tiny octopus, smiling unassumingly up at Luther. Luther nestles this one specially in Bens arms.

“Don’t let go,” Luther whispers, “We need you.”

Luther turns and walks away quickly before he starts crying.

*

_Miss you_

_Saying this makes me miss you even more_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my people, thanks once again to the lovely 1nk for reviewing!!!!!  
> Anyways things should be less triggering from now on, but please do take care of yourselves! If you would like, leave a kudos or like :) and have a lovely day


	5. Spring Day (Week 1)

Mr. Hargreeves- (Week one)

_Time’s so cruel, I hate us_

At six o’clock sharp, Mr Hargreeves marched into the infirmary. 

“Number Six. How disappointed I am in you.”

Silence. 

“Not only have you failed the Umbrella Academy, but you have failed yourself. There are few things in this world as important as life. It is one of the only things you cannot purchase and yet you dishonour your own life by tossing it away as if it is worthless.”

Mr. Hargreeves frowned down upon Ben.

“Did you even think of how this may affect your siblings performances as a whole for the The Umbrella Academy? It is selfish and childish and you may never try to end your life again.” 

The steady beeping of the monitor continued, the only sign that Ben was indeed there.

Mr. Hargreeves sighed. “I hope you know that everything that I make you do is intended to help you, Number Six. It is my hope that one day you might understand that.” 

“However, in light of this event I would like to work with seeing what other powers you might be able to manipulate.”

Mr Hargreeves sighs again, looking down at Bens heavily bandaged wrists. He takes Bens hand lightly in his own, using the damp cloth on the mini table next to them to gently clean off a bit of blood that Grace missed.

He gets up exactly six minutes later, marching to the door with the same precision that he marched in with. The door opens quietly, and he pauses, looking back almost softly at Ben.

“All of _seven_ of you mean more to me than I shall ever let on, and that shall either be my greatest regret or greatest triumph.”

The door shuts.

_Seeing each other for once is now so hard for us_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello hello!  
> Thank you so so so much for reviewing and kudoing, you guys make my day! This chapter was weird and kinda fun to write. I hope I did him justice.
> 
> A usual, feel free to comment and leave kudos, and once again, thanks 1nk for reviewing and making my day better and encouraging me to continue writing :)


	6. Vanya (Week 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> Just your daily reminder that you are loved and cared about and you have a unique light in you that the world needs.
> 
> SONG RECCOMENDATIONS HEAVILY RECCOMENDED FOR THIS CHAPTER  
> Howls Moving Castle  
> One Summers Day

_Want to get to the other side of the earth, holding your hand_

__

__

_Want to put an end to this winter_

Vanya knocked on the door to the infirmary softly. When no one responded, she opened the door a crack, peeking in a little.

The room was filled with a musty quietness, a soft, barely light beginning to filter into the room. Vanya shuffled in timidly, pulling the chair out and sitting down with a tiny creak.

“Hey, Ben.” She said, lacing her hand in Bens limp one. 

“Uh...I can’t believe that I never knew, never noticed how alone you felt.” Vanya glances sideways at Ben. She clears her throat. “Whats worse is that you always made me feel less alone, and I… I didn’t pay you back the favor.”

Vanya smiles a little half smile at this, a bubble of laugher rising in her throat. “If you were _here_ , you would tell me,”

“No, Vanya, you would say, you don’t need to pay me back for taking care of you.” She swallows back the woosh of sadness that went through her. 

“You would say how much you cared about me and how much you-” Vanya's voice breaks, and she breathes in a wobbly breath but a few tears escape from her eye anyways.

“Um,” Vanya clears her throat again, a sharp object lodged there permanently, it seemed. “I’m not very good at expressing my feelings, but I wanted to let you know how much I love and care about you.”

“ _When_ you wake up, we are working through this.” Vanya takes out her violin, preparing to play it.

“Anyways, um. I wanted to play something for you. Mom says its good for us to include you in things, so you get to hear me play violin. Yeah, so um sorry if it sucks.”

Vanya positions the violin, her breath trembling though Ben isn’t even awake to hear it. 

The violin bow moves. And suddenly, the air is filled with his favorites, a delicate balance of sweetness and an underlying melancholy, like remembering dancing with a long forgotten love in a dusty ballroom.

_The Merry Go Round of Life. One Summers Day._

Her fear, her pain, her sadness all fades to background as she gets lost in the music, melding the two pieces together with an ethereal, beautiful pain.

She remembers Ben, who loved this music. She can see him now, just out of the corner of her eye, smiling at her. She blinks, and hes gone again.

Ben, who would beg her to play these pieces over and over and over, and how she’d laugh and complain, but would play it anyways because Ben looked at her with those awe struck eyes, and she felt special.

The music of the far-away lands of _Howls Moving Castle_ and _Spirited Away,_ where Ben escaped, Vanya now escapes too, the aching sobs in her soul that she refuses to let out gliding into the violin’s melancholy melodies.

Unbeknownst to her, 

Vanya's siblings, all doing different things, pause to listen to her playing, some of their pain too released into the music. 

Their shoulders relax, their brows unfurrow, and just for a second, the siblings feel connected again.

Grace Hargreeves presses record.

Reginald smiles.

Vanya continues playing.

_How much longing should we see snowing down To have the days of spring, Friend_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh thank you so much to 1nk for reviewing I look forward to them. Sorry for not posting on monday I was a tad busy. Anyways, have a lovely day, and please let me know what you guys think of this chapter! Comments and kudos are loved!
> 
> National Suicide hotline:800-273-8255
> 
> Note: I do not own the song lyrics (the italicized parts) and the beginning and end parts of the chapters. It is spring day by BTS and its lovely!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiiii guys ive missed you! Ive been super busy with school so I couldn't update. In case no one has told you, you are lovely amazing and beautiful no matter what. I hope you guys are staying safe and happy and filled with joy!

Mom- (Week 3)

_Like the tiny dust, tiny dust floating in the air_

At exactly 7:30 am Grace Hargreeves walks into the infirmary. The temperature is 69.3 degrees fahrenheit, and the air is- slightly dusty.

Her processors tell her she should check on Ben, feed him, and then leave. 

As usual, she does these things with the grace and care that she was programmed with.  
As usual, she does her job efficiently.

After her job is done, Grace lingers.

Her system processes this lingering, deeming it a glitch necessary to be checked out. Grace however, overrules it and decides to sit down next to Ben.

And yet, as she sits down, her processors going wild at this disregard for her daily schedule, Grace feels more in place and motherly than she did while feeding him his liquid diet and checking his vitals.

She places her hand on his. _Temperature: 91.3 degrees. Good temperature for a comatose patient. Pulse: 65, Low, but still manageable._

Grace opens her mouth, pausing as her processors file through the programmed responses she was to use in event of a sickness as such.

_My darling, I hope you get better soon._

_Your mother misses you and cares about you dearly._

_If you need anything let me know._

Thousands more possible responses fill her mind, and yet she still can’t find one that feels right.

Her processors, regarding this new information, immediately search for new possibilities as to what she should say.

_Anecdotes or Memories_

The part of her processors prompting her with with words shuts off, and then, its just her.

Words seem harder, somehow, like this, but also more freeing.

And suddenly, she knows exactly what she wants to say. 

She looks down at Bens figure, smoothing out his slightly furrowed brow with her hand.

“I’m sure that, as you and your siblings grew older, you realized that I was not… human. However, I’m not quite sure if you guys knew this, but I do indeed feel love.”

“It is good to speak to you while you are like this. So, as for your story for today, I wanted to tell you about love, or rather, how I came to understand love.”

“The older version of myself, less updated than the one that I am now, understood love as an emotion that causes the healing and breaking of your heart, a useless emotion, dangerous when manipulated.”

“I had never felt it, nor did I have the desire to. I felt other emotions, yes. The first one being an instinct for survival, and the second one being anger, I believe. I am a very advanced robot, as you know, capable of complex thoughts, and feelings and emotions. I learned the emotion of sadness and heartbreak three weeks ago, at approximately 5:31, when you-” Grace clears her throat.

“But that is a story for another day. All you need to know is that I never thought that I would need to learn the emotion of love. It would take up too much room, I thought. “

“But then, one day, Mr. Hargreeves came home with seven strollers, each one carrying one of you lovely children.” Grace smiled down at Ben.

“Each of the children had a designated nurse, as I was still being programmed.”

“But one of the nurses, the one that had you, Ms. Lillywhite, got sick and was sent home immediately.”

“You were lying in your crib, all alone, crying. The other nurses were either passed out asleep or tending to one of my other children. And I felt this _pull,_ to help you, hold you.”

“I walked over to your crib and picked you up. I recall squeezing you with a bit too much pressure, because you started squirming, but as soon as I eased the pressure by 6.7 %, you calmed down. I rocked you for a while, till your eyes closed, before putting you back down.”

“And as I did so, your tiny hand, so soft and chubby, reached out and grabbed my little finger and the sensory pads hidden underneath, and you looked up at me with those innocent, trusting eyes.”

“And I felt it. Love, I mean. It was warm and gentle, and and at your touch a small flicker of love passed from you to me.” 

“And then, later that night, after I had long rocked you to sleep, going so far as to regulate my body's temperature to be the optimal temperature for holding you, I realized that I was holding you no longer because you needed it, but because I wanted to.”

“ You turned your face inwards towards me, letting out a little sigh of a snore. And I felt it again, that warmth of love. And my lips, without my processors deeming it necessary, curved into a small smile. 

“It was then that your love nestled itself deep inside of me, and I realized that I didn’t need to make room for the emotion of love, because there had always been a hole inside me waiting for it.”

“You were the first time that I ever felt love, and I suspect, that if you leave us, it shall be the last time I will truly feel it ” 

Grace leans down and leaves a soft kiss on Bens forehead.

 _Time to go make breakfast,_ her processor says, whirring softly. 

She lingers for a final 3.3 seconds before leaving, her smile clicking into place as if nothing had ever happened.

_Would I get to you a little faster  
If I was the snow in the air?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any comments or kudos are loved very much! Please let me know what you think :)


	8. Pogo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Hope you all are having magnificent days. I'm so excited for the christmas season, and a new president too! (hopefully. Go Biden and Kamala, we're all rooting for you!) To all the people who left reviews, thank you so so much! They mean the world to me. I cherish each and every single one of them with my heart. I hope you all are doing okay during this tough time. Remember that its okay during times like these to take a break, they will make you feel better.
> 
> Remember that you are a beautiful lovely amazing human being. REGARDLESS of anything anyone tells you. Everyone is beautiful in their own way. Regardless of, sex, gender (or if you dont go by the gender binary), sexuality, religion, race etc  
> You are amazing and you deserve love. Yes, you do. Don't ever think anything different than that.

Pogo-(Week four)

_Passing by the edge of the cold winter  
Until the days of spring_

Pogo bows to sleeping Ben, a trained greeting. 

“Master Benjamin.” 

He tries to avoid looking at the bandaged wrists. It seems wrong, somehow, taboo, as if looking at the very wrists that holds his life together would make them start bleeding again.

“Its been one month that you’ve been in this…. _state._ ”

“I must admit, its been rather hard on everyone. However, compared to how hard things must have been for you to do the things you did, our pain must be nothing compared to yours.”

Pogo looked down at Ben, his eyes shining sadly. “But I wish you had asked for help. Though Mr. Hargreeve is not at all fond of mental health, I’m sure he would have done anything he could to make sure you never did this.”

Pogos shoulders drop, his hand reaching to gently rest on Bens shoulder. “And- as I say that, I cannot lie, there are many things that Mr. Hargreeve’s, your father, could have done to make sure you guys lived in a safe and loving environment that he simply- _ah_ -lacked in providing.”

“He may have saved my life, and that makes me indebted to him, but I know that saving my life does not make him a good father. And although I am loyal to him, please know that my heart breaks a little every single time you children cry.”

Pogo fluffs his pillow gently. “If you ever need something from me, a hug, a hand, a smile, I will never refuse you.” Pogos hand slips gently under his head, placing a DVD, _Howls Moving Castle_ , into the pillowcase.

“For when you wake up.” He says. 

Pogo walks out the door, his first miniscule act of rebellion against Reginald Hargreeves finished, but quite certainly not his last.

_Until the days of flower blossoms  
Please stay, please stay there a little longer_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading you guys make my days so much brighter. If you feel inclined, please leave me a comment or kudos and let me know what you think! Love you all so much! :)

**Author's Note:**

> So guys, what do you think? If any of you need to know the end of the story to feel comfortable reading it please let me know! CONSTRUCTIVE criticism welcome, and if you would like to, leave me a comment (I love these so much) or kudos.
> 
> *****
> 
> Numbers to call if you need to talk to someone
> 
> Hotline for those with suicidal thoughts:1-800-273-8255  
> Free counseling for those struggling with a crisis: Text 741741  
> To talk with a teen/young adult: Text 839863 Call 1-877-968-8491  
> Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline:1-800-422-4453  
> SAMHSA National Helpline (For substance/drug abuse) – 1-800-662-4357  
> LGBT National Hotline -- 1-888-843-4564  
> LGBT National Youth Talkline -- 1-800-246-7743  
> LGBT Senior Hotline -- 1-888-234-7243  
> Trans Lifeline -- 1-877-565-8860  
> The Trevor Project -- 1-866-488-7386 or text START to 678678  
> RAINN -- 1-800-656-4673  
> National Deaf Domestic Violence Hotline -- 1-855-812-1001  
> National Domestic Violence Hotline -- 1-800-799-7233


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